I was eating Arby’s the other day thinking about how it would suck to be in the military because you don’t get Arby’s sauce.  I am not even sure I like roast beef but I know I like snorting Arby’s sauce off of hookers tits.  I am pretty sure that people in Siberia don’t get Arby’s sauce either.  That is probably why they get eaten by so many Polar Bears.

That totally scientifically happens.

Arby’s sauce is a mix of crystal meth, crack, heroin, melted gummy bears, unicorn horns and almond butter.  It is mixed at the robust temperature of 123 degrees Kelvinheit.  It is then frozen, thawed, refrozen with liquid nitrogen and broken apart, like in the terminator, then heated until it melts and comes back together to form a super future machine sent from the future back in time to qwench my thirst for brownish condiments that cover grayish meats on a bun.

I like how Arby’s invented their own sauce.  I tried to package and sell my own special sauce and I got an F on the health report and was arrested.  Bunch of bullshit, it was made with love!

My goal is to eat so much Arby's sauce my blood becomes Arby's Sauce. Wait a minute... maybe that is why Polar Bears eat so many people....

People always say…It’s just ketchup and bbq sauce mixed together.  Really asshole fuckface? If it was that simple everybody would have Arby’s sauce pouring everywhere.  I would never go a meal wishing I could dunk some shit in Arby’s Sauce.  The holidays are the worst time of the year.  My parents don’t believe in dipping holiday meals in AS.  WHAT THE FUCK! Times of happiness and joy my ass.  I will sneak some Arby’s sauce in a flask like I do everywhere else.

It’s 11! time to go get Arby’s sauce.  Which is easy as I am sleeping in my car outside of Arbys.

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY # WHATEVER.

THE RAPTURE

HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE?

No sir I don’t believe you, there is no way you could have rode the bus today.

Believe it or not I have a thing for women with three breasts.  Or maybe just Arnold movies about space espionage.

Back to Calvin and Hobbes.  That is a pretty awesome comic strip.  Comic Strips usually range for mediocre to awful.  Bizarro to Kathy.  I have lost so many readers right now who have no idea what the fuck comic strips are.  But I did gain a couple of awesome fans who were searching for Kathy today on google.  I think that would be awesome to make Kathy trend on Yahoo.  I think that if that happened I would have started the End of Days (yup more arnold refs).  Believe it or not I really did just start End of Days on my television.

Ack. That is her catchphrase. What is that she is reading? Kathy?

So to my dismay, and these are not new, I just kinda thought about it recently.  Somehow, and I do hope Mr. Calvin and Hobbes sold the rights to his comics to show either his huge love for Jesus or his over flowing hatred of the Green Bay Packers.  I know I could look these answers up on the internet but that would take time and I am to busy discovering Kathy porn.

That is why the Packers logo is yellow!

Mr. C & H ” Fuck, I hate Ford “, Calvin go pee on it.

Yea thats how it went.

Then he felt bad and was like.  ”Jesus.  Forgive me.  I don’t hate Ford that much.  It’s now Dodge and the Raiders.”

Jesus answered, ” Fine, but I want a specialized bumper sticker for my Ferrari”  If Jesus drives a car it is a 88′ Ferrari Testerossa, still the single coolest car ever…

I wonder if they come with Calvin peeing on other religious symbols.... I heard he hates vishnu.

Where is Hobbes in all of this insanity? Ahhh yea at my parents house. Duh.

At least I know what the Calvin and Hobbes creator got all of his friends for Christmas.

He is either shitting, farting or sticking a dog bone in his ass. In any case. Happy Birthday everybody I will ever know from here on out.

You know who wouldn’t shit and piss on the Chevy Logo?

Chairman of the Board

Awesome song of the Day #164

Give Me Just A Little More Time

smoooootthhh

I decided to do a research project.  It can’t be all that bad can it? I mean I previously posted an Amazing baseball video. Karate Kick! I found three things I like about baseball on top of the random insane guy karate kicking people.  Which can’t hold my attention forever it has happened a whole once.  Those games last for like 5 hours and they play 182 of them? That is 5 trillion baseball games a year.  That a hundred billion trillion innings of baseball all time and only 1 crazy hobo got onto the diamond and starting kicking.  Probably wanted some hotdogs and when you want hot dog, sometimes people get kicked.  That is why I am not allowed at my neighborhood picnic anymore.  Apparently Mayor of Blank Town doesn’t like a kick to the side in the dog line.

#1.  Baseball to the face.

Baseball to the face. Masterpiece in motion.

Can’t this be a sport? A guy throws a 90 mph fastball into somebodies face and or nads… Okay, you bleeding hearts, we can make it convicted rapists or terrorist or something.  But don’t tell me you wouldn’t watch that.

#2) Exploding Birds?

This is Randy Johnson. Rocket Arming a bird to death.

This guy, 2nd point to him he has a gnarly mullet, pitched thousands of innings and the most exciting thing he did was explode a bird once.  I explode birds every weekend in my backyard.  It only costs a dollar to watch.

3.) The future of America falling down running the bases.

Coordination is not required for baseball. My type of helmet. Not doing a damn thing.

That’s it.  Grand Slams? I couldn’t care less. Double plays? I only care about Double Teams.

Comedy, action, multiple colored background. Here is Mr. October, and November through September.

Baseball has one thing going for it, Hotdogs… and Hideki Matsui.  He seems nice.

OUT!

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #163

CAMERAS

POLARISE

Album.  Please come out now!

The couple next to me will be like, “who the fuck are you talking too?”

I’ll then shrug and say, “I hate being the third wheel, you guys never make me feel like part of the gang”

They might say “well that’s because you have been following us around all day pretending to be on our date…”

I’ll then say…. “soooo threesome????” But with a real charm about it so they are forced to tag team me… in the parking lot of a Red Lobster, while I cry and eat cheddar biscuits.  What came first the cheddar or the biscuit!? Geez the wonders of the world just astound me!

Has anybody noticed where Real Steel got its idea from? Two guys were playing Rock Em Sock Em Robots and were like, this would make a great movie! A bunch of rich high fives.  The two guys next to them were playing battleship and said, This would make a great movie! and crickets were heard everywhere. Mainly because it was the night-time and they were in a rural area.

Board game movies?

I guess Operation was already made into a movie 7 times by Saw….

I can’t wait for the 48 hour epic Risk.  In which nobody ever finishes watching the movie because it is way to frustrating and boring.  You will occasionally find somebody who says they finished it and love it… but they are full of shit and know it.

I heard the graphics on real steel are wonderful!

Wow, the Hugh Jackman Robot is very lifelike. Not much armor though. Gonna get robot raped in the ring!

Wait a fucking minute.

Doesn’t that robot already hate Diane Lane in Judge Dredd?

Busted. Real Bullshit is more like it. Yup, gotcha.

BYE!

–

Awesome Song of the Day #162

Cameras – Defeatist

this song has played abooot 250 times on my ipod and itunes and icar (that’s just my car, didn’t sound cool just as car… Doesn’t sound very cool the former either…”

Video…artsy

Song…Amazing

1. The obvious.  Porn.  Boobs and vaginas with dicks around them.

2. Adorable kitties and puppies.

Which is fine with me.  I love having titty jobs as my computer background and I rub out so much to I can Haz cheezburger.  Life is good for ole me.

But I lost my arousement today when I saw this “adorable” photo.

KITTY NO!

Somebody needs to punch that cat away from that candle.  Your fur is so soft and dry that it will just explode into a tiny mushroom cloud of cute fireball and your owner’s house will smell terrible!  Needless to say nobody likes hairless cats.

I do.

Of course you do Balkey from Perfect Strangers.  Jeez say it once say it a million times.  Foreigners!

See. Ewww. Fucking monster. Probably rape you if it could.

Now what about real cats?

I've got an idea. Take Phantom of the Opera. Make it suck. Cats. Done. Probably also equally likely to rape you.

You know what I love? Dogs and little kids that get the beauty of Rocky III.

No mesh half shirts? Half assed re-creation. Oh wait, that dog is eating that kid? Perfect 10.

Bear Portraits?

Ahhh Old Clemons. I boxed him to death. What a good friend he was. Good sport about the whole me punching him to death thing.

You ever start something and have no idea how the end happened? Where did the bear portrait come from you say? The internet.

-

Awesome Song of The Day #161

The Psychedelic Furs

Love My Way

Holy Shit. Whoever the 11 people are on youtube are that don’t like this video better watch out for when I ram my car into your house…. Just Sayin.

What about Xsixioucioriu’s comment of “xjlkajoieurlkajkjfioulalirkljeaijlakd”  I don’t speak bellarussian.  That could totally say.  ”You should have my babies.”    On a side note.  Xsixioucioriu, i would love to have your babies, but I am not Arnold so it might not work.  We will figure out a way to be together forever, Xsixioucioriu.  I love you.

Free internet pills found the information on my site very educational and looked forward to more fun facts.  I mean if you read this site that is a completely realistic response to what I write about.  Education and fun facts! I am Mr. Fun Facts!.  That’s actually my pet name for my penis.  Hey, Mr. Fun Facts stop helicoptering all the time!

So I say.  WP, let me be the judge of what is and what is not a spam message.  I say, commenter, Mom.  Who says.  ”You have problems and are not allowed back for Christmas dinner you jerk.” Is 100% spam from some stupid spam machine trying to sell ham’s.

But, Organic Digeridoo’s, who claim to be my favorite fan ever can post whenever they like.

yeah!

Yay!

Whoohoo!

Who wants to listen to some tunes!

I know Xsixioucioriu does!

AWESOME MUSIC OF THE DAY #160

NEON INDIAN

POLISH GIRL

and dance!

Note * Mom, I am not a cannibal…

Note * My mom doesn’t read this…

Note * I am a cannibal…

Summer is hot.  That sun is an asshole.  … You need a frozen treat to keep those core temperatures down when playing with your micro machines in the sand box or starting ants on fire…Double Dutch on the asphalt is a one way ticket to heat stroke mister!  Wait a minute my mom does read this! Yeah! Thanks mom!.  I will put on sun tan lotions I promise.

When you eat regular popsicles there are so many pit falls you can get into.  Breaking off too big a piece into your mouth, then your tongue and cheeks get way to cold as you try to deal with this situation.  It drips on your fingers and then they are way sticky.  You have to put up with worse jokes on the stick then even I come up with… If you’re roughhousing you are going to stab your eyes out with that weapon if you’re not careful.

Tragic Popsicle Tragedy, I but he wishes he would have bought otter pops! All he wants is an Otter Pop to soothe his soul and gapping face wound.

Otter Pops are superior to all other frozen treats in nearly every way.  Mainly because they come in packs of one thousand and fifty-five.  You need an entire empty freezer to keep all of the otter pops at bay.  But usually only need 1 day to eat them all.  Not to mention all the wacky flavors! Cherry! Whoa! Grape!!! GRAPE!!! HOLY FUCK GRAPE!!!

Otters choking down seaweed when the Otter Pops ran out.

The moral of the story is that Otters are cute.  Losing an eye is real shitty and I can finally stop killing people.  Today was a good day.

You know what sucks more than no Otter Pops?  Standing outside of a broken phone booth with money in your hand.

—

Awesome Song of The Day #159

Primitive Radio Gods

Standing Outside…fuck it I’m not writing that all out again.

Shit quality, but what are ya gonna do its vevo.

Where did you learn that?

Physics.

Physics isn’t an answer.  It is just  a nonsensical response.

Physics doesn’t think so.

What?

Yup.

Jeez, Balkey from Perfect Strangers really doesn’t get MENSA level stuff does he. Probably because he is foreign….

Okay, so tractor beams are an awesome part of space.  There is no gravity and people are always trying to fly away from you.  Just because they don’t want to see what you have under that trench coat doesn’t mean they always have to light speed away from Dinner Parties like that.  I have feelings too god damnit.  Do you know how much time it takes to deep fry a predator? Let alone kill one??? I have to hire so many bums to go kill just 1 predator.

If you could have personal tractor beams that would be so awesome.  I would tractor beam so many cupcakes into my mouth.  I would tractor beam bees at other people.  I bet they have a reverse switch.  Bees or nails, or bees and nails.  Nails would put holes in you that bees would fly into and sting and then lay eggs in and then the eggs would hatch and bee babies would stings your insides! Final Destination eat your fucking heart out.  I would tractor beam my bed to me, then tractor beam a girl towards my junk… Wait a minute…. I think tractor beaming girls against their will towards your space privates is like space rape.  I take that one back.  Forgot I ever said that one.  It never happened….

But I will totally beam some fucking cheezits up in this bitch.  This bitch being my apartment, and up being in a straight line, because up is the ceiling and I am not a spider man.  I got bit by a spider once and all I got was this hole in my face.  I won’t go to the doctor yet, not until Obamacare is real.  Who would pay for health care when I can maybe will get it for free in like 4 years.  I’ve pretty much got life figured out.

Time to tractor beam you some music.

(vrooooommooomomomomvroomomoomomooooooo) = tractor beam noises.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #158

PETE AND THE PIRATES – CAN’T FISH

OUT!

I did my laundry it is totally clean. Sitting in a laundry basket, it’s white basket full of my clean draws, (no I am not a racist, that is apparently the only color they come in…. and yes  it just happens to be my favorite color, and totally full of power…)((I was always wondering when would be a good time for some white power jokes… apparently never…))

Racist Fucking Basket.

I miss my mom.  All of this shit would be in my closet or nicely folded.  All of these wrinkles would be dead.  These treads would smell like a fucking mountain meadow and not like the piss my dog just sprinkled on it because he’s an ass.  Instead I have been sleeping on a blanket, under another blanket.  Guess what laundry, go fuck yourself. This blanket is soft as hell! It is like sleeping on fucking cloud! I spend all night rubbing my balls on this blanket and I wake up totally refreshed.  Throw my arms up and say… “lets go day!” Then Bill Nye tells me to stop being so loud he is trying to sleep.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY

GET BUSY COMMITTEE  - OPENING CEREMONY

Every building, business, celebrity, rich person, jet ski owner, lumberjack, grizzly bears, martians, news anchors, my neighbor, ted dansens... are out to create a super race. And I wasn't fucking invited.

Wait, the NFL draft is on? Hold the fucking phone!

What phone?

This phone.

Why would I want to hold it?

I don’t know it means hold on.

Well then just say hold on.

Okay keep your pants on…

What? Why would I take my pants off… we aren’t going anywhere… I only take my pants off when we go to movie theaters and elementary school plays. Zoo’s also. I have to sleep with pants on though.  I don’t want the monster under my bed to eat my dong off.

I don’t know, slow your roll.

My roll? Like a kaiser roll? Slow it? Like cook it slower?

I don’t know. Fucking Billy Zane and your facts.

But the illuminati can wait.  I need to make sure I know who will be trying out for a sports team next year.  I really try to take in the local little league try outs but parents always chase me away.  Luckily I can watch these fellows from the privacy of the tv in my bathroom.  Wait a minute this sport isn’t even planning on playing next season? That’s a shitty draft night.  Hey kid! You are the first pick and your award! Unemployement! Sounds like most other recent college grads.  I like how the guy who is locking out the NFL players is greeting them to their new lockout.

The falcons. Sorry kid. Not much of a present. I bet he would rather get a karate chop in the balls from Ron Howard (wait for it)

I feel this is something I can get behind.  Award and recognition ceremonies that result in no award or money or recognition.  The oscars that award the cancellation of your contact with 21st Century Fox, that would be awesome.  Just Ron Howard, karate chopping cinematographers in the balls and then a orchestra playing.

When I got drafted to work for a giant corporation nobody held up a jersey and gave me a hat to wear.

Fucking Charlie Sheen.  I am winning.

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #156

THE STREETS

BLINDED BY THE LIGHTS