I got sick of waiting and learned some war tactics and mental visualization skills by playing a quick game of battleship with my dog.  He always sinks my battle ship! Then I throw the board across the room and pout.  I am currently pouting.  Big frowny face. Shup up eligh, I know you always win.

What else do kids do these days?  Pokeman? Digimon? Some other japanese card crap thing? That only teaches kids to be poofs who are afraid of the sun none of those animals are real… at least when I was a kid I had baby animal memory.  Great for the brain and adorable.

When I was a kid we practiced being construction workers.  Practical real world skills that we could transfer to our adult lives.

It's not that bad, fresh air, as many cigs as you can smoke, a sweet hat. See Timmy you too can join the working class.

Look how much fun I had? Buckets.  Which I knew how to fill and empty because of my construction skills.

My imaginary sister. What did she get? Easy-Bake oven  Now she can bake the shit out of some stuff.  And as a secret added bonus that you just don’t think about.  Changing Light Bulbs.  Think about it.  Two skills in one!  Personal Palm Computers for kids? Kids don’t have appointments! You don’t need a Palm Pre to schedule picking your nose.  I remember just fine.

Girls you're gonna need these skills to land a man......

Well I have effectively offended my female fans.  Ha thats a good one. Girls don’t read this. Or talk to me… More frowny face!

I really don’t party with to many children these days.  Trying to think of more stuff they do that sucks. Let me think.

FUCK.

I just googled some shit that pisses me off more than fire ants on my face.  When I was a kid nerf and super soaker where the shit. You had to convince your folks to get 2 toys to get both.  Now they have combined forces!? Whaaaa? First KFC and Taco Bell now Super Soaker and Nerf? Ohh no big d…looks like crap.  Good. That was a close call thought kids these days had a foot up on us. Nope still sucky.

Bull shit super nerfers don’t have shit on… king kong!!!  Yes, Denzel Washington, we realize that … now stop yelling that at Ethan Hawke. He is fragile and stop interrupting my blog.   I was going to say hungry hungry hippos.

I wanna be the blue one.

How many lessons in that game?!?!?! Count em. Survival of the Fittest! ONE!.  But a good lesson, if you don’t eat as much as you can, and as much of your co-hippas food as you can.  Then you will starve to death.  What happens when there is no more food? Ughhh, play again. World resources solved yet again. I tackle the big issues move over anderson cooper.

out

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Awesome Song of the Day #111

Bonobo

Flutter

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Well that's fucking bullshit.

Not a lick of Irish in me.  Life is cruel, and I had to find out the hard way that I will never be happy.  Judy McGarrity’s license plate on her 97′ mauve Ford Tempo.  Talk about kick in the ballsfacestomach.  Well I guess that gives me the right to pursue my true calling.  Blackhearted Somali pirate. Don’t bring your cargo ships around these parts…. pirating (a real verb) will happen.

I am tired from traveling.  Enjoy this song. Makes me….well I was gonna say happy but thats not true cause I’m not irish.  Neither is this band.  Well, get mild fleeting entertainment from it.

Awesome Song #110

The Morning Benders – Chasing a Ghost

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Ahhhhh. Nature's Pillow.

Like me of the mini bear world. Wait! Fact check! Give me a pause………….

I am back, Professor Wikipedia, has informed yet again I am wrong and the English Language is full of shit.

Koala Bears are not in fact bears.  The name has fooled me for years and years and years and years. Maybe Koala Marsupial just didn’t sound right.  I think its got a cathy ring to it, and honesty is the best policy, thats what Momma TsandA always said. Until I found out that she was a double agent from Moscow trying to steal all my secrets…. can’t trust anybody not even the Koala.

You know what really makes them awesome.  Big doughey eyes? No, but close those do get me everytime.  The little button nose? No silly we aren’t talking about me.  The giant razor sharp claws that are supposed to be on a dragon not an actual Ewok. Yepppp. Look at these beasts!

Claws of a El Chupacabra? They freeekin wish.

Holy balls, they are so redic that they only need 3! (as far as I know that’s a guess this picture only shows 3 so they only have 3 toes)

The uses for these? Peeling fruits. Climbing Trees. Slashing other dirt bag Koalas in the grill when they step.  For real though, Im not even sure tigers want any piece of that.  That’s were they get you.

Koala – “Ahhh look at me I am cute as can be”

Tiger – “nice, gonna eat you bitch”

Swiping noise

Tiger – dead.

Koala then eats the Tiger while starring at the Tiger’s family and just points with one of those claws “don’t step”

Full of Tiger Meat. Look at the gnarly scar on the face! that's from Koala gang fighting. Truth.

Don’t judge a book by its cover.  Because that book could eat your tiger.

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Awesome Song of the Day #109

was a debate today, Rural Alberta Advantage is pretty sweet, but we’ve been without some rap for a minute.

The Clipse Ft. Camron (produced by the Neptunes)

Popular Demand (popeyes)

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Then Fig Newtons dropped in popularity! Jesus Hansen Christ! Have you tried one? Lately or ever…? If it’s never get your head out your ass … stop eating garbage and go get some.  I don’t care how you get some….just get some! (i stole that from a sweet Texas Car dealer ad)

Like all food not as good looking in actual picture form. But looks better than they do on the exit trip! HA get it..nuge nuge, wink wink…shit joke!

I had 7 before I could take the picture...got a problem with that? Yeah, your right I didn't take that pic..but I did eat 7 fig newtons...okay 19.

It is a delicious fruit wrapped in cake! Holy Hell! Almost as enticing as Meat Cookies. Or Snicker Sandwiches!  Did your mom ever say, “hey kid, eat some fruit…and you can have cake after”  Wanna bake her noodle (not a sexual phrase I promise) Just say this “mommy! BOTH!”.  Works every time.  Your food pyramid more like a square? Just waffles? Well mine is immaculate.  47 servings of fruit.  All Figs with Newton wrappers.

EVEN RACCOONS LIKE THEM! WHAT MORE PROOF DO YOU NEED?

If this doesn't make you smile then you hate fig newtons and raccoons. And are the Devil.

Billy Nye- “Badass?”

Me: “Yes resident scientist?”

Billy Nye – “Have you ever had a regular fig?” You know the Fruit?”

Me – “No, don’t be fucking silly. What is this? Crazy Town America?”

Enough with science for the day.

I am so glad the internet exists.  This last picture just fell in my lap.  Meat Cookies? Nah, I’ll take some Meat Newtons Please! OHHH BOY!  I am so excited to see your face when you see this next picture.  Just don’t look in the tree outside your house.  Promise I am not there….promise.

Ha! yep. Somebody is a jeanius! HA the internet is incredible. My folks missed out for sure.

Wow my Bucket List is actually complete.  I saw a raccoon eating a Fig Newton.  Wait one more entry on my Bucket List.  See the Bucket List. Nice, tonight is gonna be sweet, Meaty Cake filled figs and Jack Nicholson flirting with Morgan Freeman.

Time has come to say bye.  Bye.

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Awesome Song of the Day # 108

Electric Light Orchestra

Evil Woman

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I want to throw up in your bed but it is so far away...Ugh.

I’ve been installing pet steps all over my house to make my life a little easier.  Step over the edge of my bubble bath tub? Risk bumping my shins? Hells no. Risk a slip on some bubbles and maybe bashing my noodle and drowning? Never.  3 steps up the edge of the tub, 3 step back down in.  Very controlled and safe, I also have hand rails for extra safety. My stairs were the worst part of my house 12 up and 12 down.  Those were really big spaces and I just couldn’t quite make that space.  Burn the hell out of my calfs  Now? Pet steps in between each step.  I still have to go the same distance but its much easier on my quads, just baby steps.  I still have to take a nap half way up, but now my legs don’t burn afterwards.  Life is good.  You know how I know 2012 end of the world is going to come true?

Ancient Pet Steps, kings dog slept up there. To high to jump.

Pet steps were invented a long time ago, to make sacrificing people easier and so their dogs wouldn’t feel left out.  They knew! They predicted the future, that we would be using steps for our lazy fat ass animals to get to the top of tall things.  Jeeeshh those guys are smart.  My thought? why not sacrifice people on the ground. No steps, no huffing and puffing, much cleaner head chop offs when you aren’t breathing heavy.  Guess they were not that smart.

Olympics are over.  What am I going to do with no curling? Bye England female team captain I will miss you. XOXO.

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #107

College – Teenage Color

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Favorite “proof” photo ever after the space:

Yep, thats it. I think I also see a big foot and sinbad.

I didn’t realize getting proof was so easy anymore.  At least the loch ness monster was an actual stick in an actual lake, that kinda looked like a monster. This photo straight up looks like exactly what we are looking at, bushes and a rocks.  I’ve got my camera on auto snaps a lot setting.  I’ve already seen a martian, a werewolf and atleast 5 El Chupacabras outside my house around my walk way.

Please take some time to review this amazing cover story that an actual El Chupacabra decided to tear through. They are shy….don’t like all this publicity. One just tore through my computer.  Rear Terror is here. Another fact.

Please train your eyes to the bottom corner, "SCIENCE OUT OF CONTROL!" With a picture of a black guy. I really really want to read that story.

Yep, if you looked closely that is a movie starring Treach. Who was in Naughty By Nature. And yes I have seen it, and it is as good as you think it is. Move over Forrest Gump and chocolates… because life is like a box of El Chupacabras, you DO know what your going to get. Death and eaten face.  For some reason it takes place on a boat. Hollywood is awesome.  I am going to make a space movie that takes place in an elementary school starring a llama.

But watch out Texas and Arizona.  With the flood of illegal immigrants due to lack of work.  A lot of illegal goats are coming into this country to be goat herded illegally.  Which means a shit ton of Illegal El Chupacabras are coming over to eat them.  Sooner or later a lot of mythical creatures from the great US of A will be complaining that the El Chupacabras are stealing all their work.  Classic social commentary people.

This post was dedicated to Marc.  Enjoy more Africa time.  They don’t however have El Chupacabras.  They do however have real animals that will murder you instantly.  ENJOY!

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Awesome Song of the Day #106

Broken Social Scene! NEW SINGLE!

WORLD SICK

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False Advertising. Cancer still beats them 10/10 times, our old friend Bill Nye agrees.

Not familiar with Life Savers?  Well, you have never met a 65+ year old then.  They love these things.  Finally figured out why… the promise of saving your life, the possibility of immortality.  Brad Pitt would say immortality take it is yours.  Old people agree hence all the life savers.  What a crock of shit these things are, old people die all the time! … But I like how old people think little kids are fooled by giving them life saver mints as candy.

I mean they are okay, Life Makers a Little Betters for 5 Minutes, much better name.  Rolls off the tongue, like french.  Or Life My Breath Won’t Stink for 38 Secondsers… again a logical and true improvement.

Life savers? That means you are equating yourself with what people wear when they are drowning?

Not to mention life savers hate fat girls.  Don’t judge me look for your self.

The Boys Love Slim Sally. She is saving her life by staying fit with life savers.... Holy Cow olden times.

The only life saver I need is Italian and a Stallion.  When I am drowning in a tunnel I won’t be turning to life savers to help me get boys, Nope. They can’t find the daylight… Great pun, just great.

Also considered a candy by some.

If you watched that clip from earlier (brad pitt link) it is time for me to turn my sword.

SWORD TURN!

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #105

Deer Tick

Not So Dense

Please at least listen from 2:50 – 3:35. A+ scream!

Loons make cool noises.  Watch this clip while you sleep.  Subliminally.

They are very soothing, like hot rock massages.  Forget sounds of the jungle, think sounds of the loon.  But why I love loons more is because these calm and seemingly normal creatures get associated with crazy people like say Gary Busey.  People call ole Busey “looney” and it gives those sweet ducks a bad name.

The creator of words saw this.

Don't be afraid to nap for a few minutes after looking at these guys and listening to their calls... they are natures 12 beers in 30 minutes.

Then they thought those wondrous creations of vishnu describe this guy really well.

I see the resemblance, the pearl necklaces.

Ahh to be an old timey cave man, and get to name things.  That wondrous life has been extinct to modern homosapians for a long time.  All you had to do was just put letters together and nobody questioned you.  Xylophone? Really? Who can you call with it and what the shit is a xylo.  I would have been way better … instead of cow – sazlar.  Chicken – sazlar. Space —? Yep fried chicken. Doesn’t matter there is not point of reference.  Win win win cavemen rule!

For our song of the day I dedicate it to the memory of REAL fried chicken, and big fake boobs!

enjoy

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Awesome Song of the Day #104

Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton

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ENJOY! I DO!

Emmanuel and the Fear

Jimme’s Song

Later Gater

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Kids are so productive on the computer because they haven't yet discovered the web porn yet. Give a few years. Then they will be bald too.

My skills are basically etch – a – sketch.  If I were a rubber band gun of technical proficiency little kids would be the Large Hadron Collider.

To make things better it is really easy.  You don’t need money or 5 year intelligence.  Rather the power of your legs and a little fuck you to gravity.

Take this visual example.

Kick. Not Gonna lie this may be my new favorite person. Move over Bea Arthur.

Wanna make that kick just about 1000x times cooler, large hadron collider cool?

Just throw a little jump and possibly a Hi-ya into the mix! Cool factor check check and check.

Dear god 5 years olds are gonna take over the world.

You know what else is more neater than just regular.  Cats.  Most people don’t like cats, for whatever reason.  They are probably drunk or something.  But what if you could go jumping with you cat?  Maybe on your bed? Then I think you would lose your job from how much fun it could be.  Stupid 5 year olds can they do this?

Huh...

Jump High Five! Great, Jump Axe Throwing, Jump Jets! I mean damn girl, they are sweet.  Ever seen two men celebrate a great training session by just standing in the surf? Yea didn’t think so.

The only way to celebrate, short shorts and mesh shirts.

I even jumped bloged this shit, sweaty and pumped up I am.  God Dang.

Later

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Awesome Song of The Day #102

Gucci Mane

The Movie

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