Archive for the Technology Category

« Older Entries

SCIENCE FICTION AWESOMENESS: TRACTOR BEAMS!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, blog, comedy, Dork, Humor, Lasers, Science, Space, star wars, Stuff, Technology, The Future! with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 7, 2011 by tsanda

Science tells us of magic force fields that bring stuff towards other stuff.  I’ve seen examples such as space craft, other space craft, larger space craft and medium sized space craft.

Where did you learn that?

Physics.

Physics isn’t an answer.  It is just  a nonsensical response.

Physics doesn’t think so.

What?

Yup.

Jeez, Balkey from Perfect Strangers really doesn’t get MENSA level stuff does he. Probably because he is foreign….

Okay, so tractor beams are an awesome part of space.  There is no gravity and people are always trying to fly away from you.  Just because they don’t want to see what you have under that trench coat doesn’t mean they always have to light speed away from Dinner Parties like that.  I have feelings too god damnit.  Do you know how much time it takes to deep fry a predator? Let alone kill one??? I have to hire so many bums to go kill just 1 predator.

If you could have personal tractor beams that would be so awesome.  I would tractor beam so many cupcakes into my mouth.  I would tractor beam bees at other people.  I bet they have a reverse switch.  Bees or nails, or bees and nails.  Nails would put holes in you that bees would fly into and sting and then lay eggs in and then the eggs would hatch and bee babies would stings your insides! Final Destination eat your fucking heart out.  I would tractor beam my bed to me, then tractor beam a girl towards my junk… Wait a minute…. I think tractor beaming girls against their will towards your space privates is like space rape.  I take that one back.  Forgot I ever said that one.  It never happened….

But I will totally beam some fucking cheezits up in this bitch.  This bitch being my apartment, and up being in a straight line, because up is the ceiling and I am not a spider man.  I got bit by a spider once and all I got was this hole in my face.  I won’t go to the doctor yet, not until Obamacare is real.  Who would pay for health care when I can maybe will get it for free in like 4 years.  I’ve pretty much got life figured out.

Time to tractor beam you some music.

(vrooooommooomomomomvroomomoomomooooooo) = tractor beam noises.

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #158

PETE AND THE PIRATES – CAN’T FISH

OUT!

 

2 Comments »

TECHNOLOGY AWESOMENESS: X RAY VISION! (VACATION!)

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Technology, The Future! with tags , , , , , , on July 12, 2010 by tsanda

I am getting ready to go on a vacation.  I am traveling the world to see what cubicles are like around the globe.  It will be featured on PBS and will be a 12 hour 12 part mini series.  I call it, Cubicles: My coworkers don’t know I am not wearing pants right now.  But before I jet off on a jet plane and not know when I will be back again … wait / actually it will be next thursday.  That song doesn’t quite have the same ring when you do know when you are coming back again.

SUBJECT CHANGE!

You know what is cool? X-ray vision / goggles / eyes…etc.  I mean you can see people’s bones and what they have been putting up their ass.  I swear to god, you google images anything and at least one of them is me with something up my butt.

Yes you can ask how this happened, I was trying to open it. Happy now?

The funny part about X-ray goggles / vision is it would actually kind of suck to have.  You get those childish ideas about looking at boobies and stuff that is hidden by undies.  But you never remember that dudes dongs are gonna be flapping in your face without any hanes protection.  It would be awful.  Also have you seen how fat everybody is these days?  Nobody wants to see that.  Now if I could go to a super model convention, maybe.  The midwest? Fuck no.

It is a cool idea in theory, like gravity.  But in all actuality no thanks.  I will just mentally undress you with my eyes from behind my sunglasses while sitting in my car.  Fuck technology.

Plus! These things just give away what you are doing?!?!?!?!?!

It should just say "looking at your lady parts". Please don't use your X ray specs to look at my boner.

Superman is a pervert and spell check isn’t familiar with the word boner.  That’s funny to me. I think boner is now proper English.  Soon some kid will have to spell it at a Spelling Bee  because its proper English.

Boner.

Can you use that in a sentence?

Please get your boner out of my face.

Can you use that in another sentence?

Please get your boner out of my mash potatoes.

…FYI I can keep this up all night….

Pun Intended.

—-

Awesome Song Of The Day #125

XV – Mirror’s Edge

—–

See y’all later. Maybe when I get back I will start writing about politics…..

2 Comments »

ROBOTS AWESOMENESS: ROBOTS THAT VACUUM YOUR FLOOR!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Humor, Technology with tags , , , , , on June 2, 2010 by tsanda

Holy shit mom. You no longer need to haul around that giant vacuum anymore just to make me happy and make the floor clean as a whistle. Which is an odd statement.  Clean as a whistle…. the only good way to whistle cause if you happen to know what a dirty whistle is, yes it involves blowing air into somebody’s asshole. No you didn’t ask for the answer to that question but I enlightened you anyways. Now that my ass hole as been sufficiently blown into and so has your minds.  We can get back to the task at hand! Forget I Robot, forget Short Circuit forget some other insightful and interesting statement about robots.  They now clean floors.  The world can now end.

Floor Cleaning Robot

Technology so fucking practical.

I always thought that robots would be made to fight wars and space things. That in the future I would have a robot butler but he would still have to lug around that old Bissell ( my personal favorite name for a company, say it, Bissell, BIISSSSEELLLLL, just fun)

Nope instead technology has peaked. So I can fire my stupid robot butler and hire a robot vacuum and I am good to go. Which is also odd to say cause I really don’t go any where.  That vacuum better hope i don’t stick my dick in it, what?! who the hell said that! That is gross! I will need a robot vacuum cleaning robot to clean your man part left overs out of my vacuum.

What would be great is that My Eligh. He’s the lady of house (which if you know him such a true statement) he hates vacuums, he is a big baby and is scared of nearly everything. So if I got a robot vacuum there is a good chance they would fight. Talk about MMA. Forgot Wraslin v Boxing….Dog v Robot.  I’d sell so many tix and be rich and invent a robot toaster that walks up stairs and shoot toast at my face when I sleep to wake me up.  !!!! WHOA!!!! Mind blown. It would double, for free, as a alarm clock. SOLD! TO MYSELF FOR FREE! CAUSE I OWN IT!

Those vacuums sure look like they want to eat that baby...or the TV, robots probably eat electronics... Or babies, RUN BABY THAT VACUUM IS GONNA EAT YOU! OR CLEAN UP QUIETLY AFTER YOU LEAVE CRUMBS!

Next time you want to blow somebody’s mind.  No, not a dirty whistle. Tell somebody “Well you know what they say” and then just walk away.  So great. I do it to my mom all the time. Her head has exploded roughly once, cause thats all that a head can handle, duh.

DIRTY WHISTLES!  I learned that tonight and it makes me laugh. Who is blowing into other peoples assholes? I am wondering … really.  hit me up.  We can Cyber Dirty Whistle.

——–

Awesome song of the Day # 118

SUCKERS – BLACK SHEEP

——–

2 Comments »

« Older Entries
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.