Archive for the Nature Category

NORTHERN COLORADO AWESOMENESS: MINIATURE PANDA COWS!

Posted in Animals, Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Bugs, comedy, Dork, Humor, Nature on January 3, 2011 by tsanda

Colorado just shit on you, son! Colorado is doing big things.  Watch your back Missouri.  I was born, raised and currently live in the fine State of square shape.  Colorado.  We have a lot going for us:  Mountains, scenic vistas, just recently the internet and the occasional El Chupacabra sighting.  I am here which is not to shabby either.  Tourists and nuns come the world over to get a glance of my ass.  There are 24 moles on my bottom that look just like Jesus, I actually think they look like Nanny Mcphee but I do have to look in a mirror which turns everything around.  Colorado is the biggest, most populated, highest elevation and danciest State in the Union.  I got those numbers from a unpublished book that I wrote.  So, it is true facts because they are from a book, but they aren’t published yet….sooo hang tight.

Just when you thought Colorado couldn’t shit on your state anymore?  Yup miniature panda cow!

UGHHH! SUCK ON SOME PANDA COWS.

Wait a tick. Is that just a cow that is black and white? Like 75% of all the cows that I ate for lunch today?  Whatever, I am running with it. According to the news outlets those cows sell for $30,000! I only have one question.  How does it taste? I can get 30,000 square cows from wendy’s for that price so I want to make sure that this is a good deal.  Okay, so for 30,000 you will also throw in a miniature camel giraffe and 4 over sized ardvarks?  Okay, these are terms I understand. Deal.

Why do feel the need to make everything miniature?

Answer. These pictures.

They are funny because they are small.

hmmm. i disagree with myself. King Sized snickers are way better. Fuck you me. Liar.

What can I say other than Colorado has way cooler cows than you do.  If there was a best state contest, Colorado’s talent would be miniature cows and fist punching.  Take your pick, you lose either way.

USA USA USA USA!

Out

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #141

more JAIL WEDDINGS!

I Thought You Were Somebody

 

BUG AWESOMENESS: ANTS!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, Bugs, comedy, Dork, Humor, Nature on November 14, 2010 by tsanda

Ants are like the me of the bug world.  They can lift 400x their body weight. I am super swole.  You ever hear about those ladies who pick up cars to save babies.  Those were actually all me.  I have this thing where I love putting babies under cars and then saving them.  I call it baby under car.  I don’t like a lot of attention so I grab the nearest lady and raise her arm and yell.  ”News people, this lady did that!” She goes, as most women do, “Don’t touch me, weirdo!” Then I open a man hole (not sexually, don’t even go there! ) and drop down and run away through the sewers.

You know a good way to escape?  Sewers and man holes.  You can easily get away from anything.  You only have to watch out for C.H.U.Ds

CHUD

C.H.U.D. The scariest part of sewer escapes. Unless you have a mini. And a bazooka. The C.H.U.D is not immune to missile projectiles and cannot outrun a mini. Those things are zippy!

You should take some time out of your next day to grab a magnifying glass and an ant.  They are abundant and they are probably in your cupboards right now eating your cereal.  Thats where I get mine.  They just love Cinnamon Toast Crunch.  ME TOO!

Look at them; armored plated, chainsaw faces.  They can eat wood! Leaves! spiders! I am sure there is nothing they can’t eat.  No! I take that back…Fire….They can’t eat fire.  I used my magnifying glass to feed my ants some fire and they exploded.  JOKE WARNING: PROBABLY FROM HEART BURN! ZING!

But on a serious note they died. We held a lovely ceremony in a park.  I sang Ave Maria.  The butterflies came, the caterpillar got way to drunk and the moth flew into a bug zapper.  We had to have two funerals that day.  It was rough.  Give me second.  It is still a fresh wound….

Okay, I am back how awesome are ants teeth!

I've been trying to get the plastic surgeon to do this to my face for years. Apparently this technology isn't available yet. So I got a sweet pair of huge boobs.

So if you can’t make your face ant like you might as well tattoo ants all over your face…right…I guess…

You know the ants look normal next to the push pins in my face.

I am starting to think I have more in common with ants than I do with humans.  Which would explain my obsession with the comic ant man. Cause no other humans like that.  Do ants have a comic Human Man?

ANTS LOVE CANDY! SO DO I! SHIT! AM I AN ANT?

Candy with Ants on it

Holy shit. I am going to be come an ant dentist. CHA CHING.

READY FOR MUSIC!?

AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #139

MARK MALLMAN – ETERNAL MOONSHINE

saw this guy live last night for the first time. Definitely not the last.  This guy is an entertainer and his music is awesome

He literally makes musical love to the keyboard.  Words can’t explain.

—–

 

 

 

watch out for C.H.U.Ds.

 

SEE THROUGH SEA MONSTER AWESOMENESS: JELLYFISH!

Posted in Awesome, awesome song of the day, awesomness, blog, comedy, Dork, Humor, Nature with tags , , , , , , , , , , on August 23, 2010 by tsanda

Hey Jellyfish, I like your style.  That is what I would say if I ever met a jellyfish in any other venue than a library.  You need to be quiet in libraries, so yelling, HEY JELLYFISH! I LIKE YOUR STYLE! is gonna get me a quick and swift, kick in the nads, by a jelly fish tentacle.  Which is poisonous so my nads melted.  Little known fact, jellys are avid readers.  Lots of Kurt Vonnegut and Dan Brown.  I am kidding, nobody reads Kurt Vonnegut.  Jellyfish are cool cause they are see through. I like things I can see through and that are poisonous.  They are like, hey swimmer… don’t worry about me… You can’t see me, so it’s okay.  Only sharks suck cause you can see them and their teeth… they have scary teeth.  Since you can’t see me it’s okay… I am harmless.  ZAP! your dead.  Just like that.

Jellyfish, Rave

I am pretty sure that this Jellyfish is tripping so much E. How do I know??? He is clearly at a rave...duh.

I have to stop this post! I have to warn that turtle, that is dumb, to stop what it is doing!  Nobody told that turtle that Jellyfish cannot actually be rubbed on bread and eaten with peanut butter!  They so sour!  Nature is full of shit.  Turtles are too cute to die horrible, acidy tentacle in the face deaths.

Turtle eats jellyfish

Holy crap, Yertle is dumb as shit.

Wait, Bill Nye just called me.

Play Voicemail

“Hey Dude, some turtles can eat some Jellyfish you stupid jackass… are we still on for canasta later, love bill”

Me (jump fist pump) —-why? Turtle is okay, canasta with the masta of science.  My night is set.

dead turtle

I guess Bill Nye was full of shit. He never showed up for Canasta.

Ahhh thanks for reading. I hope yall come back soon now!

Your back? Get a hobby. I don’t know what, dancing?

—-

Awesome Song of The Day #132

NEON INDIAN / REMIX BY BRAHMS

if you don’t know either of those groups.  Go learn stuff.

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