T’s and A ( The A Is For Awesomeness )

Sticks of butter.  My first friend.  Nobody liked me growing up, local kids threw rocks at me, bears attacked me, aliens exploded my house repeatedly.  It was crazy!  I mean can’t a kid get some rest without a bear trying to eat some of my toes or face.  I didn’t have imaginary friends because they didn’t like me either, something about not wanting to hang out with the smelly kid or something.  I don’t know, I don’t like ghosts anyways so I was okay with that one.  My brothers used to say that to be their friends I would first have to make friends with a bear. Which I tried to tell them wasn’t working cause they only wanted to eat me, but those brother of mine they were freaking stubborn.

A local fat man told me to check out somebody named butter, he said that butter is friends with everybody.

Steve, Jim, Jake and Dusty. My first friends. Until I ate them.

So I went to my local refrigerator, which luckily was at my neighbors house, so I didn’t have far to walk.  Saw this butter.  He was smaller than I expected.  Did we have a great time or what! I rubbed him on my arms and legs and got a great tan!  I spread him on my muffin and he was derrricious!  I found that if I pealed off their translucent and waxing clothing and spread them over my sled I would go down the sledding hill with blazing speed! I was king of the sled hill.  We had wonderful times me and butter.  I figured I had found my first and last friends.  Why would they ever abandon me.

…

Something happened.  It was a hot day.  I was playing in the sandbox with my race cars, 3 sticks of butter and a croissant.  The croissant kept losing in the grand prix to my race cars.  I was getting ready to fed it to the dog for losing so many races, that bastard lost me all my lunch money with those losses! Then I noticed that my butter had melted in the sun, a little had dripped on this worthless croissant.  The melted butter glistened from the sun and was caught by my minds eye.  It brought a tear to my eye and a rumble to my stomach.  Already mad at the croissant I decided his punishment should be me eating him.  I did.  I got my first food boner.  Then took a nap in the sun shine and had the best dreams I have ever had.  When I woke from my dream of swimming naked in a river of butter with my friends popcorn kernel and alaskan king crab, I stole all the neighbors butter.  I went home.  Locked myself in the bathroom and slowly ate the butter.  One stick at a time.  Now don’t me wrong.  I am disgustingly fat and my life expectancy is 31, but I have had a good run.  Me and butter.   We are going to go out like thelma and louise.  Expect not a car and the grand canyon.  Rather my bed, in my underwear and a box of thin mints covered in melted butter.  My heart will stop.  But my soul will live on in a buttery heaven.

You know what happens to deer when they eat sticks of butter?

Yup, eating the butter out of their dead intestines.

Gross.  I hope I don’t ever met any lions after Friday Night all you can eat Butter at the local 7-11.

It is me and 3 homeless guys who run in and steal all the butter then eat it together in the local dumpster.

You’re invited.  But get your own fucking butter!

OUT!

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AWESOME SONG OF THE DAY #145

BRITISH SEA POWER

WE ARE SOUND